Six Months

I saw this photo on tumblr the other day and it made me think about how much my life has changed in six months.

Six months ago was December 1st. We had one more football game of the season, CLS and I were still not friends yet, I still had a crush on my best friends ex-boyfriend, I had no internship, and my life wasn't really the most impressive.

But today me and CLS are DATING, I have finished my senior year of college (although I still have one more semester), the majority of my friends have graduated college, I have an internship in Beverly Hills starting on Monday, and I have my life much more put together.

Although by no means do I think I have my life figured out, I have more of a plan and a direction. I have more focus in my life and I am much more happy.

Its funny how even though you feel like you make no progress and nothing changes, looking back just six months shows me how much has changed with out me taking a moment to appreciate everything I have.

Made My Day

Yesterday CLS showed up at the house that I am babysitting at with flowers and a ticket to his graduation!

We had plans to hang out by the pool and just relax because the kids were at school. When I answered the door he pulled out flowers from behind his back and I was so shocked and happy!

We got into a 3 hour long fight/talk about things that had been bugging me and why I was so mad all the time.

This is the first time he has boughten me flowers and they were so perfect, I had mentioned how cliche I thought red roses were and these were the perfect flowers.

And even though we had talked about his graduation, I wasn't sure I was really invited, it is a family event and would be a big step for me be invited. I had actually already ordered my dress so the ticket was a relief!

My life makes me giggle

ok so i am going way out of order of my life and things I want to blog but this has just being growing and is now so huge I must vent about everything!

So CLS has this friend named C. They met 2 summers ago while studying abroad during the summer.

CLS thought he was normal, and they became friends. I am not sure the exact order and timing of things but once they got back to school in America that fall, at some point C went crazy, professed his love for my boy and became stalkerish.

I guess this has been going on for sometime, CLS tried to get rid of him but it doesnt work. He deleted him off fb, stopped hanging out with him, and even now barley responds.

But C does not stop.

I read all the text messages. CLS knows, he shows me.

Apperently C is getting very jealous of me, I feel like his the other women, or I am, I am not sure. SO confusing.

But here are a few of my favorite things C has said:

-"You always ignore me when you are with her but talk to her when you are with me"
-"You have to choose."
-"You always make time for her on my weekends but never make time for me on her weekends."
-"You can read her this because I am assuming she is laying besides you."
-"Sorry I just had to get my jealousy comment in there someplace."
-"The more you like her, the less I like you."

Yes it is weird. He is extremely jealous of me, thinks I just "showed up" in CLS's life recently, does not allow CLS to talk to me when they are together (even though he always does), gets angry when me and CLS do things together (sorry they are dates, I am allowed to go on dates with him) and sends him many novels (extremely long text messages).

He tried to convince CLS not to come out to visit me last weekend because their school year is almost over and he didn't think it was a good use of his time.

He told him I am not allowed to come to Senior Night (you can bring one guest) because he would be too jealous. Well I am DEFINTLY going now.

Wants to go away together for the weekend.

Wants to have sleepovers with him. Yes he says sleepovers, with no sleep. Kill me now.

I was getting very freaked out by all of this. So I did talk about it with CLS and apparently C has talked about suicide in the past and so CLS feels he cant just bail.

Ok I understand that but last night he kept texting him accusing him of being with me and spending too many nights with me (sorry I'm not sorry its totally true). Then this morning he sent him 3 extremely long texts and told him he had to choose, WHO DOES THAT? I never even told him to choose.

This is just redic. And I will be kissing CLS and holding his hand, and innocently touching him ALL night senior night.

Off to the gym to get all skinny and pretty for Senior Night next week.

This is sooooo weird

Easter

I absolutely love Easter. To me it marks the real beginning of spring and summer!

We could not have asked for more perfect weather today. It has been around 80 with no clouds and a light breeze.

I am the kind of person who loves being home for holidays. I can not stand being away from home, however Easter has always been different for me.

When I was younger we always had a huge celebration at my grandmothers, easter egg dying, easter egg hunt, baskets, brunch, dinner and family time. But as we have gotten older it has gotten harder.

Also I have missed Easter a few time due to studying abroad. And so Easter has become more of my mother and I going to a wonderful Brunch at Stien Erickson in Park City, UT that looks over the snowy mountains. And I love it.

But this year, with Easter being so late, and all the traveling my parents are doing, I was just fine spending it with friends.

My friend Katherine and I had plans to go to morning church and then brunch just the two of us, our other close friends are Jewish, so although we invited them to join us after, it ended up being just us which was perfect.

Originally we were going to go to a brunch buffet at a local resort but were nowhere near hungry enough to justify it. So we ended up at a cute local cafe. We got mimosas and coffee. I got french toast and she got a delicious omelet.

Afterwards neither of us wanted to go home so we headed to Trader Joes, she got coffee ice cream and I picked up some daffodiles, they are so cheap and last for about a week, if not longer. I try to get new flowers every week. I put them in a mason jar and cheer up my room.

Then we just drove around with the windows down because it was too lovely out to go home.

But now I am stuck in the library for the rest of the day studying for a horrible week ahead!

But once Thursday comes I will be done. This weekend is going to be so exciting and so fun!

5 more days!!

Earth Day

So I am sitting in Starbucks drinking my free coffee because it is earth day and of course I have my reusable cup and realized how easy it is to be green.

Earlier this morning I saw a commercial from Starbucks about how they had people trade in their paper cup for a plastic reusable one, and the amount of paper cups, from just one day, in one city was shocking to me.

I have been using my mug for a while. I have been through three, because yes I break or lose them, but my three is much less then what I would have been using in paper cups over the past 5 years.

I have always had the one from starbucks, since high school, where you create your own, you unscrew the bottom and put yours in. And I love it. Right now it looks like this...

..right now it is one I made at the scrapbook store. It has my monogram and a sailboat. It cost me about $1.25 to make. And I can change it anytime I want.

I also use reusable water bottles. I use the Voss glass bottles.

Its about 2 dollars and I use them over and over. I am sorry but paying a dollar or more for water is just annoying to me. Also I hate drinking out of plastic and then tossing it.

I also have a cold tumbler for everything! I drink water out of it, ice tea, ice coffee, smoothies, everything and anything goes in it!

Now I do have to admit I do not always have them on me, and it actually makes feel bad when I buy water or use a paper cup.

I havent (except for the rare occasion) boughten water in 3 years. The nice thing about Voss bottles is they can stay in your car, while yes it may get warm but they wont ruin like plastic ones.

I am sure that I have not only saved a lot of money on water and other benefits companies offer when you bring in your own cup, but I have drastically reduced my carbon footprint.

If its hard for you to remember your cup make it a rewards system. Every time you fill up your own water-bottle, put a dollar in a shoe fund, you will be surprised how quickly you get that new pair of heals but just not buying water.

First Kiss Stories

I think romantic, sweet, awweee, worthy first kiss stories these days are so rare. And I think that is such a sad thing. I think that when your dating the most often question you get is "how did you meet?" When you're engaged "how did he ask?" becomes just as frequent. But a first kiss story is just as important, maybe you dont share it as often but its a milestone and should be treated as one.

I've said this before and will say it many more times, but I hate how so many "relationships" begin these days. I dont mind hearing you met in a bar, or at college, or through a friend, but I am a firm believer in the best relationships are the ones with the best stories.

I want to tell my children an original story of how I met their father, and our first kiss, our first date, how he proposed etc. I want stories, and memories, and ones I am not ashamed of, ones that I am proud and excited to share with them and others.

I am in no means void of my drunken make out stories. I have had plenty of first kisses in bars while intoxicated, more then my fair share of random make outs that only happened once, and regrettable nights. (If you ever heard half of my stories of studying abroad, but what happens below the equator stays below the equator.)

And while all of these may be things I regretted in the morning, they have come to be funny stories, memories and more then anything things that I have learned from.

Besides D, who our yes our first kiss was on a dance floor in Chile, we were still in Chile. So if we had ended up together, which there was never even the chance, we still had the default, "we met while studying abroad in south america" line.

But I would consider myself to have two good first kiss stories. One being my first kiss, and the other with CLS, who I happen to have a good meeting story with as well.

My first kiss was at my 12th birthday party. It was a sleepover party, a bunch of my friends and I were at the beach. A super cute boy, lets name him RC, was out surfing and a few of us decided to swim out to him. It was sunset, yes cliché, but it was. And I had the biggest crush on RC. So we were all hanging out on his board in the water, I had Kiss Me Its My Birthday written on my arm as a joke. Someone mentioned it. And yes yes he kissed me.

The next is with CLS. We had been friends for almost 2 and a half years. Yes and I had liked him that entire time. Pathetic I know. But we started hanging out again. We went to a Lakers game, and afterwards, no kiss. The next night we went out, again no kiss. So frustrated I called him out over text. Lame I know but too awkward to do in person. He had some good points, he wasnt going to kiss me when I was drunk, half asleep, angry at him, etc. Which was frustrating but I am so glad.

The next night we went to the movies. We saw No Strings Attached, as much as I love that movie, dont see it with a boy you haven't even kissed. But after the movie we drove back to his house and we were acting like little middle schoolers, so giddy and smiley and giggly because we both knew what was coming.

We got back to his house and he parked and we were standing next to my car, talking, and in the middle he kissed me. We were both smiling and happy and it was so innocent. We kept talking and kissing here and there, just pecks but it was so perfect.

(By far not our first kiss, but our first kissing picture, so it kind of counts, also I love this one)

I am glad he waited till the perfect moment. I am glad that is what I can tell people and not he kissed me when I was half asleep, half drunk after the game. Or mad at him after a night out.

Now he will kiss me no matter what, he'll kiss me when I am drinking, or eating, mad at him, yelling, walking away, or half asleep. But the first one mattered most.

Senior Bar Bounce!

Who doesnt love to day drink? You never really need a reason, but it is always nice to have one. This past Saturday we had Senior Bar Bounce. Similar to a bar crawl but it was on university and during the day. This is what I wore...

I thought I lost my sunglasses, which I was happy was the only thing I thought I lost, but they ended up being at my friends house.

I brought a big purse and some how managed to fit sunscreen, my camera, my tumbler, my flask, chapstick, my phone, wallet, and purfume in, and not lose anything!

My best friends since freshmen year.

Matty-boo. We studied abroad together last year. He was so much fun. Love love love him.

Always end up taking pictures by myself. thanks guys.

So many delicious margaritas.

We pre-ed at this amazing house, lots of drinking games, dominated at flip cup as usaul, and then headed to univesity. Saw everyone I actually wanted to see, and no one I didnt. It was amazing.

The only down side was being horribly hung over by 9pm, and the next morning.

Seniors 11. Please dont go.

I rarely rant on here but...

I am not stupid. I am not the same person I am two and a half years ago. I have changed and I am so much more aware. I have grown up.

I know I am going to get hurt, because I dont think I could ever hurt him, at all. As much as I want to walk away, bail on plans or flat out ignore him when he text me, I can never.

I do not need to be warned, or told when he is being lame, or sketchy or weird.I KNOW. I am perfectly capable of assessing a situation on my own. I am not a dumb girl, I do not make excuses for him, or think something of nothing. I dont need to ask everyones opinion and have everyone weigh in on what I should say back. I can do it, thank you.

I hate girls who play over analyze how boys treat them. If a boy wants to talk to you, he will call or text you. If he wants to hang out, he will ask. He wants to kiss you, make out with you, hold your hand, sleep with you, he will do it.

They are boys, they are not monkeys. They speak the same language as us, they know what they are doing, they know how to use a phone, drive a car and make sure you know how much they like you.

Yes, girlfriends want to be nice and helpful and make you feel better, but making excuses for boys is not helpful. Hello, have you ever seen/read He’s Just Not That Into You. I dont need your two cents when I say he didn’t respond. I know it was uncool. I dont need your reassurance. I can feel things on my own. I am a big kid.

I can take his actions for what they are. But I also am secure enough to text him first if I really want to talk to him. I can handle the fact he is busy and has a lot to do.

My friendship with him is mine. I do not need to tell you everything we did last weekend, or every time we talk. I really dont tell you because I dont want to hear your opinion on it. Because your opinion does not matter in this situation.

Friendships are not all the same either. I do not want a romantic, perfect, friendship. I want to fight and argue with him. I want to call him out when he is being stupid and tell him what I really think about his shoes and shirts. I am not scared about hurting his feelings, or pissing him off so much he will walk away. I know my limits, believe me, I have test them and pushed them. I have gone past them a time or two as well. I care more about his feelings, that I am not even sure he as, then I will ever let on. I dont need sappy love notes or flowers or poems. That creeps me out. I want complicated, and difficult and chemistry.

But I am also a girl. I do want to be called, and texted. I want an effort made. I want you to want to talk to me. I want you to care, I talk to you and ramble because I genuinely want to know about you and your life. You have never asked one question. Yes I may be type A and controlling, but I would rather you ask me out. I know you say you love being together, but it makes me feel like you care half as much when you initiate it. I dont see money as an object or a factor in doing most things, and you do. Thats okay. I would be just as happy to watch a movie, play a game, or just sit on your bed as I would be at a basketball game. I would probably be more happy. Just ask.

Distance is hard. Guessing is harder. Waiting is the hardest.

I am doing this because I never got over it. I never really gave up. People think I am stupid and naive. I am neither. I know exactly what I am doing. I am giving you a second chance because otherwise I will always wonder. I know what you are capable of. I know you have power over my feelings and emotions. I know you can break my heart.

But what you dont know is how I feel when you do call. How happy your text message tone makes me. How my stomach drops and my breath is literally taken away every time you reach for my hand. How that long horrible drive is worth it all when I see you for the first time. How much the sound of your laugh makes me smile. How when I am with you there is no other person in the world; school, test, jobs, friends, drama, all of that doesn’t exist.

I am not stupid. I know other people feel like that about other people. But for me, right now, its him, so let it gooooo.

At one point I will have to stop. But I cant let go with out closer. I am waiting for you to break my heart. Turn back into that guy you were 2 and a half years ago. I am not going to take subtle hints. You know me better then that.

Hurt me. Hate me. Leave me.

I hate distance

I understand I am slightly crazy. But I have learned to keep my crazy thoughts to myself. And my blog.

And nothing between me and CLS has changed, well things have gotten so much better. But nothing has happened that should make me think I am losing him. But I can't help but feel that way.

I am blaming it on the distance. Because if we were in the same city, heck even the same state, the way we are would be perfect! But the distance makes me doubt everything.

There has always been distance with us. But for some reason right now its making me so unhappy and freaking me out. I think it is because so many people ask me what we are and all I can say is friends. Which is true and a-okay with me. Okay not that okay but I am dealing with it.

We have not had the talk and I can not be the one to bring it up. I just want some kind of reassurance and security but no! I have to try and act chill.

I am not chill.

Happy 4/4

Today is April 4th.

4.04.

Four = love.

We have talked about getting married on 04.04.14.

He just texted me happy 4/4. Like a happy anniversary. We recently joked about celebrating every 4th.

We are hanging out tonight, and all I want is for him to ask me to be official/exclusive/FBO. Something. But I swear my hopes arent up.

And I swear I'm not in high school. Just far away and I want reassurance.

Why I dont have Facebook

I have been known to deactivate my facebook from time to time. I started doing it freshmen or sophomore year, I cant remember exactly, but I did it because of finals and I wanted to get ride of the distraction. I have zero self control.

So I have done it on and off for mainly school reasons ever since. Sometimes when I have an extremely regrettable weekend I would deactivate it as well.

I also have a ridiculous amount of pictures so when I dont have a facebook, people notice when their pictures disappear. But I dont think I have ever deactivated it for more then a week.

I originally deactivated facebook this time because

1. Internship prepping/interviews
2. My aunt was creeping, and telling my mom
3. People started asking/making assumptions about me and CLS
4. I didnt want to see CLS's profile and stress over the little dumb things

I have kept it deactivated because I am so much more productive without it, I worry less about things that dont mean anything and honestly people dont ask me so many questions about things that are non of their business. I always thought the unwritten rule of facebook, was stalk your heart out but never admitt to it. I mean GO ahead, I know I post a ton of photos and people stalk but do not admit to it or ask me about things when we dont talk in real life.

I want to get FB back so I can be friends with C and J. And because I know CLS says he wants me to come back because he misses seeing all of our pictures. But I dont want to come back until him and I figure out what we are. I know we arent in high school but I want to be FBO as pathetic as it is and I dont know if I will come back till I get that. Or I get at least something.

Pool Day

It is finally that time of year, where we tend to lay out before class, after class, and yes even during class (such as today!).

Also seeing bikini strings are totally normal under a shirt when we actually choose to attend class.

Today I had a test/quiz in my first class that actually went about 100 times better then I expected. Then in my next class we were getting our test back and I did not want to stay!

Once she handed our test back Cam slipped out, totally sly and undetected. Then Jeff was going and if it wasnt for me he would have been totally stealth. But I blew it. The class started laughing. It was bad. But not as bad as class would be!

Now we are just tanning by the pool before the gym and studying for my last test.

I also need to do laundry and pack.

And a study date with C and J. I am pretty sure I am in love with C, or J. Or both.

This shall be interesting.

Are drunken words really sober thoughts?

We use to say "I love you" all the time. And it was no big deal.

About a month or two into our friendship I said it once and he said that was a "big word" and somehow love turned into "four letters"

I four you.
I four-letter you.
Four you.
Fourever.

We would say it all the time. Both I love you and I four you and really I never thought of it because we were not involved.

Even after not being friends for that two year span, we started saying it again. It was like saying it to a friend. Because that is what we were.

That is what we are.

But ever since we started going on "dates" and doing whatever we are doing now, we dont say it.

Which do not get me wrong, I am so thankful for that.

But he got drunk on Saturday and called me. No big deal of course. But we were talking and he said it.

We were talking about how much he hates something, and I got angry and he said "just because I hate Arizona, doesn't mean I dont love you."

It caught me off guard but I just kept the conversation going, and he noticed definitely noticed it because about a minuet later he said "I may hate arizona but I still like you"

Then we lost service and he sent me a text saying "I love you"

All I said back was dont say that.

We talked on the phone a while later, after we hung up I got a text saying "I four you."

I said "I miss you too."

I know he realized it again because of the conversation we had on Sunday and how he was acting in the morning.

It really is no big deal. I mean who doesn't love everyone when they are drunk. I say it all the time, I am pretty sure the bouncers and bartenders at our favorite bar don't go a weekend with out me professing my love for them.

And me and him use to say it all the time, so I am sure it just slipped out.

But at the same time we have both been so careful about NOT saying it, and very careful with our word choice when it comes to talking about anything to do with us that it still has me thinking.

It was a little much for a sober Saturday.

Just Madras

Hey guys, Just Madras is having this great give away! Check out their Tumblr, website or follow them on Twitter @justmadras.

Hey guys! We’re so excited to be on tumblr/twitter that we wanted to celebrate with a giveaway. We’re going be to giving away one of our blue seersucker cosmetic bags and it will be — here’s the best part — custom monogrammed for our winner! (we’re pretty excited about it!) We LOVE this bag - it’s lined in a super cute polka dot waterproof oil cloth so it’s also perfect for stashing a bikini and sunscreen in beach bags!

Here’s how you enter:

Required: Follow us either on tumblr or twitter (@justmadras)

1 entry: If you’re on tumblr, reblog this — and if you’re on twitter, tweet about it @just madras…and if you do both you’ll get two entries !

Another entry: Blog about this contest on a different platform, and send us the link.

We’ll be accepting entries until 5 PM eastern time on Friday and the winner will be randomly selected shortly after.

Oh! And get this - we want to send some Just Madras koozies to our 100th tumblr follower, so keep following!

March 21-27

I found out today that for my Finance 412 class, what I thought was a quiz on Wednesday is actually an EXAM! So glad I came back and went to class because otherwise I would have been in huge trouble.

So I will be studying so much the next two days! It is not exciting, and the worst part is I will not be able to watch PLL tonight! I am going to have to stay away from Tumblr so I dont hear about what happens.

I have to get through the next 10 days until CLS and home for my aunts birthday. CLS is the worst thing for my school work this semester. Worst distraction. I really need to end things. And not just for my poor performance in school. But is there really anything to "end?"