Monday, April 11

I rarely rant on here but...

I am not stupid. I am not the same person I am two and a half years ago. I have changed and I am so much more aware. I have grown up.

I know I am going to get hurt, because I dont think I could ever hurt him, at all. As much as I want to walk away, bail on plans or flat out ignore him when he text me, I can never.

I do not need to be warned, or told when he is being lame, or sketchy or weird.I KNOW. I am perfectly capable of assessing a situation on my own. I am not a dumb girl, I do not make excuses for him, or think something of nothing. I dont need to ask everyones opinion and have everyone weigh in on what I should say back. I can do it, thank you.

I hate girls who play over analyze how boys treat them. If a boy wants to talk to you, he will call or text you. If he wants to hang out, he will ask. He wants to kiss you, make out with you, hold your hand, sleep with you, he will do it.

They are boys, they are not monkeys. They speak the same language as us, they know what they are doing, they know how to use a phone, drive a car and make sure you know how much they like you.

Yes, girlfriends want to be nice and helpful and make you feel better, but making excuses for boys is not helpful. Hello, have you ever seen/read He’s Just Not That Into You. I dont need your two cents when I say he didn’t respond. I know it was uncool. I dont need your reassurance. I can feel things on my own. I am a big kid.

I can take his actions for what they are. But I also am secure enough to text him first if I really want to talk to him. I can handle the fact he is busy and has a lot to do.

My friendship with him is mine. I do not need to tell you everything we did last weekend, or every time we talk. I really dont tell you because I dont want to hear your opinion on it. Because your opinion does not matter in this situation.

Friendships are not all the same either. I do not want a romantic, perfect, friendship. I want to fight and argue with him. I want to call him out when he is being stupid and tell him what I really think about his shoes and shirts. I am not scared about hurting his feelings, or pissing him off so much he will walk away. I know my limits, believe me, I have test them and pushed them. I have gone past them a time or two as well. I care more about his feelings, that I am not even sure he as, then I will ever let on. I dont need sappy love notes or flowers or poems. That creeps me out. I want complicated, and difficult and chemistry.

But I am also a girl. I do want to be called, and texted. I want an effort made. I want you to want to talk to me. I want you to care, I talk to you and ramble because I genuinely want to know about you and your life. You have never asked one question. Yes I may be type A and controlling, but I would rather you ask me out. I know you say you love being together, but it makes me feel like you care half as much when you initiate it. I dont see money as an object or a factor in doing most things, and you do. Thats okay. I would be just as happy to watch a movie, play a game, or just sit on your bed as I would be at a basketball game. I would probably be more happy. Just ask.

Distance is hard. Guessing is harder. Waiting is the hardest.

I am doing this because I never got over it. I never really gave up. People think I am stupid and naive. I am neither. I know exactly what I am doing. I am giving you a second chance because otherwise I will always wonder. I know what you are capable of. I know you have power over my feelings and emotions. I know you can break my heart.

But what you dont know is how I feel when you do call. How happy your text message tone makes me. How my stomach drops and my breath is literally taken away every time you reach for my hand. How that long horrible drive is worth it all when I see you for the first time. How much the sound of your laugh makes me smile. How when I am with you there is no other person in the world; school, test, jobs, friends, drama, all of that doesn’t exist.

I am not stupid. I know other people feel like that about other people. But for me, right now, its him, so let it gooooo.

At one point I will have to stop. But I cant let go with out closer. I am waiting for you to break my heart. Turn back into that guy you were 2 and a half years ago. I am not going to take subtle hints. You know me better then that.

Hurt me. Hate me. Leave me.

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